My partner Ben has been undergoing medical tests for the past six months because of progressive tiredness and significant weight loss. After many consultations, he was scheduled to have a gall bladder surgery to investigate a probable tumour in the region of the gall bladder.

We were told by the surgeon that she might be able to remove the tumour with a laparoscopy, which involves only an abdominal puncture and a camera.  There was a possibility that she would discover more problems, and he might have to have a large incision. If the removal could be done by camera, he would likely go home the same day; if he had the incision, he would likely be in hospital for a week with a much more difficult recuperation.

After months of the strain of investigations, we finally were at the hospital in Victoria, and he was in his hospital attire in readiness for his surgery.  As they wheeled him into the elevator, we waved goodbye to each other, and as the door closed, I was suddenly very alone. 

I walked aimlessly around the hospital, knowing I had to simply endure the next few hours waiting to hear about the surgery. We were hoping it could be done with the camera, but there was still some doubt about this. As I sat in a lonely couch in the back of the hospital, I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and fear and deep concern for Ben. I had not paused to feel such emotions during the preceding weeks as we went from test to test, doctor to doctor. But now, I had nothing to do but wait, and I was consumed with desperation and impotence.  

Marilyn Rossner, our psychic friend, had told us that she was in touch with the spirit world, and that Ben's deceased mother was watching over him.  Dubious, I still held some private hope that such things could be so.  I wanted to reach out to the spirit world myself, but all past attempts had been fruitless to get someone from the other side to talk to me. So, I sat and stared and fretted.  

I tried to read, but the words would not come in.  I took out my iTouch PDA and scrolled through photographs of friends and family, seeking some kind of comfort and reassurance in my desperate loneliness and worry. I saw photos of our kids and faces of so many friends. And suddenly as I flipped through photographs, there was Reps' face smiling and shining. 

If you did not know Reps, I can tell you he was one-of-a-kind. He was a zen master who lived with us at The Haven during his final years of his long life, and he was remarkable for his insights, his quick and sharp philosophical quips, and his respect for all of creation.

I felt a wave of love for the old guy, and thought, "If there's anyone from the other side that I could trust, it would be Reps."  So, I spoke to him.  

"Reps ... are you there?"  

To my shock and relief, I heard a voice inside my head: "Sure."  

I said, "Well, I doubt that this is really true. I think you are a projection of my inner fears and hopes.  But I still want to know how this is going to turn out."  

He was very clear...  

"The surgery will be done by camera, with no incision."  

"The surgery will be quite long and involved."  

"Ben will not go home tonight. He will stay in hospital"  

"There is no cancer."  

I said, "Reps, I really want to believe you ... but I have been told that with the camera procedure, the patient usually goes home the same day."  I continued, "And furthermore, I am too afraid to trust what you say, because I think you are just the projection of my hopes. I doubt everything you say, and I doubt that your voice is really from you."  

Reps, as he had often done, responded with a sage and weighty quip:  

"When in doubt, sprout!"  

I burst out laughing, and tears of relief flowed down my cheeks. 

When he was alive, Reps usually responded with a sage and weighty quip, often rhyming, such as "if not fun, better left undone."  So, when I heard his reply, I began to trust that maybe it was him after all. But I was still watching carefully to see if his predictions would come true.

Ben did have the surgery by camera, it was long and involved, and he did stay in hospital overnight to recuperate.  So, there was one final test of Reps' statements that rested on the outcome of the pathology report that would come 10 days later.  During that 10 days, I was hopeful that the final statement about "no cancer" would also be proven out by the pathology report.  But I was afraid to trust, and the doubt persisted.

When I told Ben about this after he had come from under his anesthetic, he laughed quietly, and said, "For sure, that's Reps!"  

Today, the pathology report came, and indeed, Reps was correct.  There was "no cancer."  The growths that were removed with the gall bladder were benign, and there is no evidence of any spread. So, Ben is cured of what ailed him, and now we can settle to the task of getting him heftier once again.

As for me, Reps has challenged my doubt and his record is "four for four" on his predictions.  So, I am humbled. This is the beginning of a new opening in myself, and the sprouting of a renewed faith after doubt.

"If in doubt, sprout!"

Thank you Reps. 

Jock McKeen