Ernie and Cathy McNally

Today’s news headlines point to a series of yesterday’s financial decisions that are impacting today in ways few predicted, and no one wanted. On the surface it may now appear simple – even painfully obvious: by gambling that economic growth would continue, and the future would somehow look after itself, banks and lending institutions extended maximum credit at below-minimum rates. The gamble has not worked out, and the uncertainty of it all has set the scene for one of our most human of reactions. In the face of anxiety we often seek relief; the quickest path to relief is to fix what’s wrong; to fix it we must find it. And so the hunt is on for whom to blame – the banks, the government, the stock market, the lenders, the borrowers…

Before we know it, we are playing out on the world stage a cycle of blame-fueled tail-chasing that seems strangely familiar. What began as an almost-perfect picture of possibilities has slowly and surely morphed into a pressure-filled struggle for ‘right’, for the ‘upper hand’, for ‘power’. And, as is so often the case when we come face-to-face with power struggle, the question we hear inside is “How did we get here?”

What Cathy and I continue to find in our relationship, whether the topic of the moment is household chores or our financial planning, is that we will inevitably find ourselves in a power struggle if we avoid what are sometimes the difficult conversations. Lord knows there is an almost endless supply of perfectly good reasons for avoiding – “It’s not that big a deal”, “It won’t solve anything”, “We’ve had this conversation before”, etc. And the reality is, unless we decide to risk staying in with each other and open to speaking and listening from our heart, the ‘unsolved conversation we had before’ will almost certainly become a ‘big deal’.

In our opinion, this is the essence of the scenario that is being played out in today’s international financial circles. What began with the very best of intentions, to attain what each person viewed as success, began to slip away when the first wonderings went unasked; when the first difficult conversation was avoided or ‘put off’; when the first rumblings of discomfort went unheeded. The focus becomes a series of escalating attempts to control events in an effort to create the original vision, even in the face of a clearly different reality.

How much is this like the struggles we create in all aspects of our personal relationships, including money? Just go back to the paragraph above and begin with the second sentence! The good news is that it is these striking similarities that can be the pathway to bringing positive, constructive transformation to our relationship with money and finance at home and in the world around us! As surprising as this may seem, we are far from being powerless to influence world events – in finance and in every area of interest we choose.

We believe we each have within us the ability, and around us the resources, to manifest more intimate, personal, responsible and responsive relationships with money. And, particularly because financial decisions have such a pronounced ripple out from the individual and back again, we have the opportunity to help establish this quality of financial relationship with every transaction we make!

How?

Recently, we were asked by a couple who had been married for over 30 years to be with them as they began exploring something they had pretty much avoided for the entire length of their marriage – money. Six months earlier, they had begun talking with each other in ways they never had, after coming to The Haven and discovering ways to use breath, awareness and the Communication Model to connect. They were delighted with having practical skills they could use to deepen intimacy and literally ‘breathe’ new life into their relationship.

As they broached new territory, with conversations on familiar topics becoming deeper and more personal, they had also become more and more aware of what they were not discussing. The hands-down winner for the most un-discussed was money. Their differences had been pretty evident right from the start, and they had settled into an uneasy three-decade-plus ritual of going from one financial frustration to another. Each had their style of blaming the other, certain that if only the other would do X, Y or Z then surely none of this would happen. After all these years, what they had been most successful at was compiling a substantial litany of evidence that the other was wrong, incompetent and above all not to be trusted in matters of money.

Now, they wanted it to be different. And yet, after a few attempts at checking things out, all that seemed to be coming clearer was what they already knew. They were indeed different, and did indeed have very different approaches. So, without one of them changing, how could this shift?

The first time we were together with this couple, their different approaches to money became very clear. What happened next though was a tribute to how much they wanted the issue of money to be different. They each listened. They heard how money had been for each of them as they were growing up; the messages they had heard and the meaning they made of these; how each of them now imagined the role of money in their adult life. Next they shared their most core values, what was truly important to them. Then they listened as each considered this question:

Given your present means, how can you express your values financially?

Through this process they began something quite unexpected, and at the same time quite consistent with their experiences on the path they had started on at The Haven six months earlier. By daring to stand forth and speak personally from the heart, and by daring to listen with generous openness, we co-create thoughtful, informed, responsive possibilities.

We can do this around money, as we can in every other aspect of our lives.