Judy Sellner

Early on in my years of working with couples, I had some very lucky experiences that would enlighten and inspire me.

I met a young woman who was completing her doctoral thesis, studying couples. She wrote a book called The Couple's Journey. Her name is Susan Campbell. I was impressed with her as a person and even more impressed with her ideas about relationship. In her book she outlines five stages in the development of an intimate relationship, a road map so to speak. The stages were inevitable and each stage involved a challenge; something that must be learned before progressing to the next stage. No stages to be skipped. Both partners needed to fulfill the task. If not, the relating plateaued.

The first stage in the development of a relationship, she called Romance, the falling in love with the promise of another; the second stage she called Power Struggle, the conflict arising naturally out of differences between partners.

There are three other stages, but most couples don't get to these. Not because they aren't trying, but because they don't know how. So for a few decades, I have focused on working with couples in these two stages, with the prospect of reaching the next three.

My workshop A Good Beginning is for couples in the first year or so of a committed relationship, who are experiencing being "in love" and are in the Romance stage, a good time to learn about relating and how to create a fulfilling intimate life with another person.

My second workshop, Couples in Conflict, is for couples in the Power Struggle stage and looks at how to experience differences with openness and interest, as a way of getting closer, knowing him/her more deeply and enjoying discovering something new about your partner.

Certainly intimate relating is not for the faint hearted but, for those of us who would go where angels fear to tread, at least we can be prepared. These are the boot camp workshops for those who wish to reach the other side, that is stages 3, 4 and 5.

Relating is of interest to me because it is so central to being a human being. Most of my life involves how I relate to others. The relationships may have a different shapes – friends, family, parent, children, work colleagues, intimate partners or social connections.

This is the matrix of life. So it seemed to me in my early years as a budding psychology student, because it rang true to my life. In relating I saw the opening into another's world and have yet to find anything more fascinating. I also saw that many people had the same interest. So began my desire to work with couples at whatever stage they were experiencing, to facilitate their journey.

In the three decades of working with couples, I have learned these things:

The happiest, most fulfilled couples are

• couples who hold their partners thoughts, feelings and wishes as dear as their own;
• couples who include one another in their considerations, their decisions, their lives;
• couples who respect each other's values and boundaries;
• couples who like, love each other and show this often;
• couples who enjoy each other's company and are open with one another;
• couples who can agree to disagree – who'd rather be happy than right;
• couples who accept the ebb and flow of their relating along with the uncertainty and insecurity each might feel;
• couples who are willing to talk and listen openly about anything;
• courageous couples facing life challenges and stresses, in loving ways;
• couples who have clear agreements with each other and who keep them;
• couples who have a vision of what they want their life together to be and are devoted to it;
• couples who have a sense of humour about themselves.

The difference I see between couples who feel satisfied in their relating and those who don't, is in the choices they make, moment to moment, day to day, year to year. Fortunately everyone can learn to recognise what is the best choice for his/herself.

This is largely the focus of the workshops I present – the possibilty of moving on to the latter three stages in the developing of a way of relating, to experience – Stage 3, Stability; Stage 4, Commitment; and Stage 5 Cocreation.

If you want to read more about the stages, Ben Wong and Jock McKeen have written an expanded view of them and how to move through them in their book The Relationship Garden. In it they talk about their discoveries in working with people as well as their own intimate relating over many years. They are two people who have actually lived through all the stages and have many insights to share in their writings. Their book is available from the Haven store.